a personal note

It is my custom to write a post each Friday. Today, I find it very difficult to write. In the past few weeks, I tried to explain the situation here. But I think I have just scratched the surface.

Sometimes you get bad news… that you have so and so many weeks to live, or that a dear friend has died, or that someone that you trusted with all your heart has betrayed you… it’s very bad news, and you just don’t know how to take it, how to internalize it. You want to shake yourself loose from this terrible thing, and you can’t… as if you were being electrocuted, and you can’t let go of the wire that is burning you alive. You may rant and rave, or groan and moan. Some people just shut up. They don’t say anything.

And some people, gifted by god with an awareness of the universal, are able to translate their sorrow and heartache to a parallel universe, and tell the story as an analogy. They have that wonderful ability to eat their cake and keep it too. They can pour out their hearts, and not get buried in the details. This is the source of art for many. And when I read such a narrative that may have been written a hundred years ago, it seems as if the writer was telling my story… even though the details of his tale have long ago withered and decomposed.

This is the sort of thing I’m going through these days, I tried writing about it, but it didn’t work. The wound is too fresh. The pain is too jagged. I haven’t yet internalized it, and don’t know how long it’ll take. At this point, everything else seems irrelevant. So I probably won’t be writing again till I recover.

Peace be with you, my friends…
From an aching heart.

a woman's prayer
a woman praying

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39 responses to “a personal note

  1. I’m so sorry you are aching. I think I know how that feels. Sometimes we ache for things we have no control over and so we have no control over our aching. That’s the worst kind of ache because we can’t really get over it. We can’t make it better. We can put a band aid on it but we can’t heal it.

    I wish there was some way to heal the open wounds that are causing you so much pain. But there isn’t. Not now. Not within our control. I pray that one day, and may it be soon, there will be a way to heal those wounds so that no one has to suffer.

    I am thinking of you and of the conditions your heart is dealing with. Know that you troubles are in the heart of many of us and we are praying for you and for your country.

  2. Peace to you too, Shimon. I’m thinking of you.

  3. I so understand that feeling of thinking the writing will help, but somehow it forces us into really facing something we know we cannot change and just leads to more heartache. I too wonder what the answer will be and when it will come. Shabbat Shalom Shimon

  4. Shalom,
    I shall be with you in soul and spirit on your difficult path and will be here when you are able to reconnect Shimon.

    Big Hug xx

  5. Dear Shimon, I know and I can feel. Not easy days… I pray for the peace, but all my life I prayed for this. When will it come to the earth? I don’t want to be seen unhopefully but you know, in my country we are not living easy days too… So, I can understand you very well. Just be sure, my heart, my thoughts are with you dear Shimon. Please don’t stop to be in connection with us, your silence always makes me so worry. Your friend, nia, Love, nia

  6. So sorry Shimon. Such hard times these days.

  7. Sometimes things are just too overwhelming and the present situation can surely be considered as such. Take your time, maybe the government will come up with a new strategy to keep the terrorists under control. Take care and stay safe.

  8. I am sorry for your pain and the sorrow that has gathered in your heart, Shimon. I know the feeling of such helplessness and ache that writing through it can help, greatly, but not necessarily in ways that are fashioned for others to read…I hope you will be able to take your camera and use it to help you gain strength as well, and find those comforting stories that touch your pain with balm and remind you, over and over, that you are not alone, that there is reason to hope, and that love wins.

    Gentle peace and so very much love from my heart, dear friend. You are treasured and held.

  9. Peace be with you as well. My thoughts are with you. I am sorry for your sorrow and pain.

  10. I totally understand. These are very hard times, indeed……stay close to Nechama – she encompasses all that is good. Janet. xx

  11. The only way is to travel through the pain to get to the other side, everyone at their own pace.
    Peace unto you, Shimon.

  12. I’m having a special day of fasting and prayer and will include you. Sometimes there are no words. May you be blessed.

  13. And peace to you too, Shimon. I hope it comes soon. We shall miss you….

  14. My line is always open. I’d even give you a phone number if it would help. I/we can certainly understand where you are as many of us have been in such a situation. When you’re ready….stay healthy, and stay safe.

  15. Your artistic and sensitive nature, which we love,makes you more vulnerable and your heart needs protecting.Sometimes silence is healing if one can get past the rage.
    That reminds me of a poem by Dylan Thomas

    Do not go gentle into that good night
    Rage,rage against the dying of the light

    If only the government had read that they would not change the clock in autumn

  16. As others have shared, I am also sorry to hear of your overwhelming sorrow and pain. The weight that such sorrow can bring to our lives can leave us with little recourse on how to move through such a painful journey. My prayer is that whatever light can find you will offer a brief respite from the pain, while you allow your broken heart to heal. We are here, and will be here, if, or when, you choose to share your thoughts with us again.

    There are times that silence is our only way of communicating.

  17. I understand what you are saying in your personal note…not your experience or your reality…but what you are trying to say about expressing it as a story, a metaphor…a painting. I feel the intensity of your struggle in your note, so perhaps that was how to ‘put it’. I hope so. I hope that writing the note will give you some relief because we will miss you if you step back. Your truth informs us…writers, thinkers and artists, regular Moms and Dads, cat lovers, gardeners…all over the world. It is a line of information and living experience. Bless you, friend.

  18. Oh Shimon , ” what matters to one old man ” matters to all of us here who follow you with love …. I share in your sadness and pray for light dear friend ….love , megxxx

  19. My own heart aches for you, Shimon. The journey from spiritual agony to peace and acceptance is a painful and lonely one. Know you are surrounded by the spiritual thoughts, prayers and love of your many, many friends as you work your way back to us. Bless you.

  20. Shimon, it is so painful to read this. My love to you, my friend.

  21. Take care of your aching heart, Shimon. As African wisdom has it, ‘Let in our sister Grief, that she may sit by our fire.’

  22. Shimon, all I want to do is hug you and share your pain, how I wish that was possible! Please know, whether you post or not, that you are never far from my thoughts, I wish with all my heart I could say something that could give you a shred of comfort, but as you know, I am useless with words.
    With love, always, from your friend….who genuinely feels your pain….xxxxxxx.

  23. Your pain and heart break are shared by many of us, though each experience is unique, and perhaps impossible to fully explain. As you read these words of understanding and compassion and genuine love for you, I hope there is some comfort. A shred of a comfortable sweater to wrap around your shoulders when the night gets too dark. Shalom, Shimon…I, and many others are praying. Come back soon.

  24. As you said, all humans have to go through life’s difficulties, sorrows, anguish, pain… but in life still joyfullness, delight, mirth… and Hope!
    And this I try to remember each day of my existence (this one – right now) since I don’t know when I’ll leave my actual shell to came back again on another body.
    But I don’t want to be annoying. Each of us has his own believing in one God dead on a cross, or in one still to come… I get some comfort when I meditate (which is alike praying) and I just send the virtues I accumulate from the meditation to the whole world, to the people suffering. That isn’t really much, I know, but still make me feel better.
    The pain inside my heart still there, and she aches, but mine is only a infinitely small pain compared to yours and the one of your folk.
    You are part of my meditations, dear Shimon. Be in peace.

  25. Long ago, a friend converted to Judaism. After his experience of sitting Shiva for the first time, he couldn’t help returning, again and again, to the same insight: we do not mourn alone.

    You are not alone, Shimon. We mourn with you, and await the easing of your heart.

  26. Wishing you inner peace

  27. My thoughts are with you my friend!

  28. I know exactly what you’re talking about, Shimon. No sooner do we recover from one blow than we are hit again by a second and a third. I’ be been there all too recently and I still feel scarred by betrayal and hurt. One of the reasons why I travel so much, crochet and write my travelling blog: my way to switch off from everything.
    I hope you’ll have peace in your heart very soon again and I look forward to reading your blog once more in the near future.

  29. I’ve come to this post late, long after Shabbat. I’m so sorry you are feeling so bad, especially before Shabbat came in. I hope the Shabbat helped you to heal somewhat.

    I know how you’re feeling at the moment. Probably all Israelis feel similarly. I’ve taken the coward’s way out and have stopped following the news so intensively. I just can’t take it any more. I see the headlines a couple of times a day, whereas I used to follow the news obsessively. I rely on my children (all adults) to keep me updated when they travel in and out of problematic areas (especially my daughter who lives in the Gush). I’ve stopped reading opinion pieces in the media – it’s just churning round and round and doesn’t help in any practical manner, and just gets me worked up or depressed.

    Do the things that you love doing – art, nature, music, friends, family – and give yourself a well-needed break.

    I hope you feel better very soon my friend.

  30. This is a difficult post to read. Israelis, by their very nature, have taken on living with the extreme vicissitudes of the region. When one thinks rationally and logically–as you do and as most Israelis do–the barbarism of the Arabs is hard to understand; their Koran encourages violence, despite what the liberal media would have you believe. They have had many opportunities to have their own state but their hatred trumps logic. In our lifetimes, these problems will continue to manifest themselves, more than ever in the Middle East.

    It takes a Lion’s heart to live in Israel. Know that there are those of us here in the US who would come over and fight if we were able. My husband, aged 66, is one of those warriors who would be there in a heartbeat.

    The only survival skill is to gird yourself against evil, hatred, and ignorance. This is not the late 30’s or 1040’s. Israelis will never again be led to the boxcars.

  31. “The wound is too fresh. The pain is too jagged” I feel the ache…
    Take care, Mr. Shimon.

  32. Shimon, I don’t know what to say except that you aren’t alone. All one can do is try to find something, some little thing, anything, in which to find a few moments of happiness each day.

  33. This was so deeply and well spoken; even as it was brief.

    It is said that wolves have one of the most highly developed emotional intelligence of any creature native to our tiny blue-green bubble. This, of course, is combined with a powerfully sharp intellect honed to a natural world rather than a technological one; which has proven detrimental to many who have underestimated it.

    I resonate strongly with the state you indicate, having spent much of last year and a good bit of this one reeling from just such a wounding. I will only indicate its surface and say it involved what looks to have been an intentional con by a close friend that resulted in the loss of our family home and a substantial amount of money. Oh yes, the loss of the money was and still is difficult, yet I was truly overwhelmed with heartbreak and wounding of the calculated betrayal. That and we have been wandering from place to place since then, trying to find somewhere to settle. The past three and a half months have been the longest stay to date; this time routed by a (federal) governmental decree.

    I’ve spoken of this ‘event’ in measured ways. The full depth of the cut was inexpressible for quite a long time. And what would have been the point. I realized fairly quickly that I did not want to become identified with this victimization or it’s resulting emotional state. I felt it would come back again and again to revisit me and recreate me by taking over my own and others view of me (‘poor thing.’) So I let some of the steam and pain out (because I didn’t want to keep that either) and shut up about the rest.

    Now the storm is over. These can’t last forever, no matter how trying. With it goes 96% of the tribulation and the arriving certainty that we will find land. Many good things have come from all of this, that I could never have guessed. More still is on the way. I know it; and it has proven to be true thus far.

    My life is like this. Perhaps yours is similar.

  34. Dear Shimon, I noticed that you were in silence. I can understand you, but this is me and I worry about you. I hope and wish you are fine dear Shimon. My prayers, my thought always with you, let me hear you, love, nia

  35. You will tell your story, one day . . . . .

  36. Wishing you peace and strength dear Shimon. Take care.

  37. Hugs, Simon, many many hugs from me to you … Love you, cat

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